sometimes you just have to.

I sometimes wonder why I consider Joel to be my greatest influence. In a private conversation once, he confessed to me that he has never had a job before teaching at the university. What’s beyond me is not that they actually hired him as a lecturer, but that someone like him who seems to be a rebel to the core can actually play in the system for once. He hates it of course, and hopes to get himself fired. Yet and still, I look up to him because he remains true to himself, even when he has to follow rules.

I want to follow rules, I really do. It makes me feel good actually to be able to follow rules. But it’s hard, because I’m a rebel too. It’s not that I want to uproot the system and instill anarchy in people around me, but it’s just that because I’ve never been a person who followed rules and who rather made my own rules, I find it increasingly difficult each day that I have to do what I’m supposed to, which is a good thing. I mean, I have to follow rules, but just to an extent, I think. I can’t do something that violates my beliefs or values. I just wish I learned to do this earlier… or maybe like I said, this is just who I am.

I think life would be easier if I had chosen to drink Drano.

Or not. I suppose a lot of people would do this if they think like me. I wanted to write a very brief something before I sleep. I’m really tired today, and I think I will continue to be this tired for the next two months, which isn’t that long actually. I think I can manage.

I’d like some clarity… I really would. This whole teaching thing is giving me the clarity I need. I know what I need to do. I just need to sleep on it tonight. Tomorrow is a new day to tackle another problem… like my room.

I can do it, if I set my mind to it.

* * *

I found out about a new film last night, or this morning, at about 2am. I went on the movie’s website and watched the trailers, which might not have been a good idea at 2 in the morning when I was really trying to sleep. I couldn’t stop thinking about it, even right now. The movie looks really breathtaking, like a dream world I’ve always wanted to be a part of but never can. What gets me is the story… what would you do for love? I remember walking out of Brokeback Mountain just speechless; I couldn’t talk for 10 minutes. And for this movie, I haven’t even seen it and already I can hardly think straight. I want that kind of a relationship, where I’d feel like I can give up anything just to be with the person I love because that love is so forbidden. When I saw the two leads kiss, I thought I would just melt right there on my bed. It’s just… wow.

* * *

But at the end of the day, I have to remind myself that it’s just a movie, just like how it’s just a story that could have been real, but it just seem more real because of how you can be manipulated by what you see on film. So I don’t know… would I rather be grounded or in the air, trying to catch something I can’t even see? I’m tired of either one. I want to say that I just want stability, but that would involve me giving up something I want and truly believe in.

And yes, at the end of the day, I have to ask.. which is more important? My dream world, or reality? Reality wants me to snap out of it; I need to do what’s important now. I have to be serious, and I can if I set my mind to it. Problem is, it’s hard to do this most of the time. But I still can.

I like feeling ambivalent. Being in limbo might be better than I thought.

But still, two things: do what you have to do, and everything will be okay, no matter what.

yesterday a student of mine was telling me about something he did four years ago. four years ago, he was in grade five, and i was graduating from high school. suddeny that age difference seemed astronomical. of course, i’m nowhere near being in the same league as my much older and wiser friends and confidants, but i’m still old, compared to the many students i see everyday.

when i woke up this morning, i tried to think back to a time when i was really young, and i was able to remember the days when i went to kindergarten at st. paul’s. i was never a star student; in fact i was pest. come to think of it, i still am a pest, and still an average b student.

could i have done better if i were to do it all over again? i don’t think so. it’s not about learning from my mistakes; it’s just that i’m unfit for the system. neither of us like the other, and the irony of it all is i’m still stuck in the system, and i will always be as long as i’m a teacher.

and then i thought of you. how different are we both now? are we really older and wiser, and have we learned from our mistakes? knowing us, we probably haven’t, because we’re too proud and even too conceited for our own good. and we can’t help it either; we really are all that and more, at least that’s what we tell ourselves. maybe that’s why we got along so well, and at the same time we fought so well, because we’re almost carbon copies of one another. days like today make me wonder if i can ever find someone who’s like you, someone who i am compatible with on so many levels. and i wonder still if you think of me. i will always wonder about that.

it will just make me see things more clearly.

i will always be caught teetertottering between the feelings of despair and hope. in the end, what keeps me ok is the very idea that in the end, even when everything doesn’t work out, it will be okay. it’s amazing how simple the idea is, and yet it rings so true.

we have moments where we feel everything collapse around us, pressing us deep into our pain. it sucks, because it will never go away. there are times when we think we’ve dealt with something but… no, it will come back, it will bite us again and again.

so there are many choices we can go with. we can go insane, we can end our lives, or we can live with it somehow. it depends on any given day how badly it can all turn out.

but today, today i feel… i feel okay. even if i won’t ever go to hong kong, or even if i’ll end up in taiwan for years, it’s okay. in the end, what matters is how we make of the situation and how we choose to live with the cards we’re dealt. can i complain? sure. but that won’t change anything. i can’t do anything. i can do a single fucking thing except live this way.

so while i do live, i can choose to live in pain, or i can choose to snap out of it, and just carry on. why live miserably? even if everything goes my way, the honeymoon never lasts, and i’ll be left to want something else while living in another shitty situation.

so the end of the story is, again, i will try to make the best of it.

i dreamed of her last night. it was weird. we were together and we were in hong kong. she was in an open relationship, and i kept wanting her to tell me she only wants me, although i didn’t mind that she was with someone else too.

it’s weird, because i haven’t seen her in years. it’s weird, because, i’m starting to think i was never over her. but i think in a real sense, we will never be completely over someone who we were intimate with, and i think that’s ok.

somehow, i keep wanting to tell her how i am, that i’m fine. it’s like what emm says, “how famous do i have to be to see you again?” i think a part of me wants to be famous just so i can see her again.

because many times i think, if i weren’t me, as in, if i weren’t brought up this way, or if my family isn’t like this, would i have been with her? because i think, we’re really compatible with one another in many ways. except… well.

anyway. that’s done and over with.

i saw adam last night. i wish i was more in the mood to talk.

i love my job. i love what i do, and i really don’t want to ever give it up. i have some hard days and i have some shitty days, but what keeps me going is knowing that i can be like joel somehow, a human who’s a teacher. i think we’re all teachers in one sense or another. i wish i can learn from my students.

i think what’s happening is, i live in a different world in my mind, and many times i refuse to face the present. i face what i have to face, and it’s usually unpleasant. i’m realistic, but i’m also very idealistic. i think the reason i don’t do what i’m supposed to do is because i’d prefer have it all in my mind then worked out. and i don’t even know what i’m afraid of. could it be failure? could it be that it takes a lot out of me? i don’t even know. or, maybe i think, this isn’t what i really want, so why put my heart into it? i think that’s it.

which is sad. because if we know what we really want, she should go for it, and not always dream about it. if you want the fucking piercing, go get it pierced. if you want to fly to hong kong, buy a bloody ticket. and then there’s the rational part that goes, hey, you can get an infection, or hey, you can end up really hating the city. so what do you do?

even that’s besides the point. the thing is, we spend so much time fantasizing that we really miss the chance to live, which is right in front of us everyday. and sometimes, just sometimes, i think that’s even much better. to live life as it is can be a lot better than living out a dream, because it means we know we can make it through, even after the dream is over.

i really would like to live this way.

the reason we live in our minds is because our realities are too brutal. when we don’t want to face reality, we hide in our own worlds, and in effect we forget how to function. but i hope to change that, because this isn’t healthy.

i like being able to hate and love, because that’s the most balanced way.

and hey, right now, i think my job is pretty good. i just have to make the most of my day so that i can work at night. because it really isn’t that bad at all. i work 13 hours a week or so, and i get paid around $23/hr which is more than twice as minimum wage. it’s like, i would have had to work nearly twice as much at a coffeeshop to earn the salary i have now. so what’s good about this? i have time to spend! and i have money! which i need to save!

and yes, i want to be famous, just so i can see her again.

a while back, i had suspected that i had a problem, a psychological one. i thought maybe i could be someone with a depersonalization disorder, and i’m not even entirely sure what that term entails. but for sure, i knew i had a problem.

i don’t know how to tell time. i don’t have a sense of time, i mean, as in i have no concept that i need to keep time until it’s time to, as in, when i’m an hour away from deadline. and it’s not like i’m lazy, not at all. it’s just that, i don’t have that sense.

it’s a problem, because i put things off, and i don’t finish work on time, or rather i can finish it on time but i’m usually not pleased with my work. i don’t get it, why can’t i just work ahead of time, and that way i can enjoy life as i see fit? WHY?

maybe i’m missing something in my brain. maybe i just need to sit down and do something about it, like, think, or be brainwashed somehow. or resolutions? or… i don’t know.

it could also be because i’m constantly living in a dream world that i’m not aware of what’s happening in the present. maybe that’s what scares me, living in the present. maybe if i realize that my life currently sucks, i wouldn’t want to live. and honestly, whose life doesn’t suck? you can look out from your window at other people’s lives and you can think the worst of yourself and the best of others, but it wouldn’t mean anything. we all live in our own hell, and only the naive think someone else’s hell is better than their own.

so. what i’m trying say is, i really hope i can make sense of the situation currently. i would like to LIVE. like, wake up and live. like, forget if life sucks, forget if i’m not going to hong kong, and forget if i’m never going to leave this bloody house. i really have to find a way to make myself better. everyone lives this way, hating their life, wishing they can win the lottery or go away on vacation. why can’t we love our shit? or our jobs? why can’t we find some meaning to live?

because this all will catch up to me anyway, so i better make the most out of it.

being a teacher can be lonely. i do have the company of students everyday, and i’m constantly surrounded by people, but it’s different. i get drained, everyday. i come home and hide under my covers. it can drive me insane, honestly.

i think that’s where most things become sour. i love teaching as a profession, but it’s almost too easy to be sucked into the mentality of being in auto-pilot. so that’s how it becomes like one of your mundane office jobs, except it’s 10 times worse because you’re trying to think on your feet for hours and hours on end while you’re at the centre of attention trying to keep everyone at bay. and i do this all alone. there’s no one i can come home to and cry to. there’s no one i can really talk to on a regular basis on a more intimate level about my insecurities, and no one to hold me when i need a hug. so yeah, sometimes it really sucks.

because teachers are people too. just like how your car needs a tuning, teachers need some TLC, more than anyone else, because we’re always giving and we don’t get a lot in return sometimes. people get insensitive, demands are laid, no one really cares abou you. it takes a high EQ to be a teacher, and i can see why so many teachers plunge to their deaths in hk, because many times you simply can’t handle the stress and the insensitivity.

so here i am, trying to “handle.” in a good sense, i’m glad i’m a “perfectionist” at heart. i’m not really, as seen in the condition of my room, but the condition of my room really reflects the condition of my emotional beast, not personality, so… yes. i have an acute sense of when i need to pick myself up and when i need to let go. sometimes it gets too much and i really don’t know what i should do. so i try to “handle.”

what i mean is, i’m trying to get a grip. i’m trying to make sense of the situation so that i can put myself at ease. it’s not a matter of right or wrong, but it’s just that we have to make things ok.

i think i’m an attention seeking individual, to some extent at least. it’s my way to express myself.

last week, i recommended to grace a story which i thought was brilliantly written by an asian-canadian author. and of course, being an asian-canadian author these days mostly mean you would write about the eternal cultural and identity conflicts within your asian family. regardless, i thought the writing was remarkable.

after reading the story, grace says to me, “why do asian canadian authors always write about the same things?”

and she’s right, they do. joel said the same thing too; this topic has been written ad nauseum, to the point that we’re all deceived into thinking that maybe such is life for all asian-canadians.

that’s not true, of course. but how is life like for the other asian canadians, whose voices and experiences we don’t normally hear or read about in our everyday “canadian” circles, at least not in english? that’s what i was thinking about while driving today.

i don’t know. how’s life like for me? am i subjected to the same kind of life? do i have these identity issues?

i think the only identity issue i have is how i fail to find a definite label for myself. if anything, i can be regarded as “so canadian” or “so chinese.” as for middle ground…. what middle ground? maybe it’s best if i say that i’m a cultural “mix” at best. no, i don’t have these cultural identity issues. i relish in being able to maneuver relatively effortlessly from one circle to the next. in fact, i might even create my own circle soon if the circles i’m a part of become too exclusive.

so why am i this way? my parents were never big on chinese customs, nor your typical western holidays. we don’t really celebrate chinese new year, or christmas, or easter, despite being both chinese and christian. it’s not that we’re not respective of our culture; it’s just that being christian means you don’t observe any holidays.

in the age of the individual, there seems to be less and less ways we can define ourselves.

in my mind, i am not bound. i can fly from buildings, i can race through tunnels.

here, at my desk, i have my legs bound, my head hung, wondering how much i need to cry to make me blind.

and why is God so cruel as to make me hate my own mother’s voice?

i listen to music not because i like it. i do like music, but what i like even more is the tranquility of disappearing into my thoughts. i don’t need people in my house yelling all the time as they’ve been since i was old enough to think for myself, which was actually quite young.

i don’t need people to get on my back.

i don’t need people to monitor me to do something they’ve asked me to do. if you don’t trust me enough to leave me be to do the task delegated, then do it yourself.

why is God cruel?

something tells me that God is not cruel. what’s cruel is mankind. we’re cruel to one another. still, i can’t find it in me to desire what’s greater. my heart is hard because that’s what hatred has done to me.

i don’t understand why i’m still here. i really really need to leave. i need to leave not because i actually want to leave here, but because i really can’t help wanting to rip my head apart everyday. i don’t want to leave vancouver; i just want to leave my family. i don’t know how much of this i can take.

and somehow, going away can make this better?